You cheated on me…of course… I knew there was something not right…but when you told me you had sex with her when I was on my period, that kind of made it real. And the worst bit was not that you cheated, the worse bit was I wasn’t even the one getting cheated on, I was the one you cheated with. I was the other woman. How could you do that? How could you let me do some things when you had slept with her not more than a week before? We talked it out…and somehow you managed to convince me that things would change, that it would happen again. And I believed you – because you told me. And because, like Mandy said, it’s a habit…I’m so used to being around you. You and I both now my insomnia is crazy and the last three times that I’ve had a good night’s sleep were when you were next to me. Yes. I believed you.
Then I spoke to Faiza…and she said no. She said you don’t respect me, and you are a lying cheating little shit. And I had to break up with you. And so I did. You asked me if that’s what I really wanted. You didn’t fight, you didn’t just “are you sure this is what you want?”And now we’re over. She said don’t I want a man that loves me and wants to make me happy without having another woman in the picture. Yes…textbook fairy tale yes. Of course I do. I want it! Ironically, I want my Hugh Grant (pre-Liz Hurley cheating scandal) Except..i still love you…I still want you. ..and I’m alone now…and no one is calling to check if I’m ok. No one is calling to tell me not to party for too long, no one is going to come all the way to my place to make sure that I’m ok after partying too hard. No one wants to surprise me with a ticket home so I can be there for my darling E’s wedding, because he wants me to be there.
No one is going to put me to sleep. No one! Fucking no one! I’m going to lie here for the whole night, and tomorrow,and the next night…and it’s going to be like that till my body physically crashes. No one is going to hold me when news from home sends me into fits of tears and pain. Because even though you are a lying cheating shit, I wasn’t alone. You made me believe that I wasn’t You were there – mostly. And even though Faiza is totally right, she doesn’t have to be alone…she can sleep… She won’t miss you every second of every day. She won’t be without laughter. For two seconds I wish I hadn’t done it. For two seconds I desperately want you back…because I need you. I need you there. Please?! Just for a little bit…just for now? But no…I want a man who will love me and care for me and respect me and not lie to me. Bullshit – dreams sold to us by fairy tales and Disney.
I’m alone. So lost. So alone…
Cocoalumbus 