A lesson I don’t seem to learn very well

The length to which my idiocy reaches never ceases to surprise me.

I have felt the wrath of playing with fire; severely burnt, skin charred,

I have got the bruises from forcing myself through the wire; heart scraped, soul scarred.

I have learned this lesson before.

Yet it seems I have learned nothing.

Experience has not been such a thorough teacher this time round.

You didn’t really love me before

You simply did not want anyone else to love me either

You do not love me now

You are merely enthralled in the alien, the exotic, the outlandish concept of us.

You will never truly love me

You enjoy the colour outside the lines – but you know your borders well – and you stick to them

The familiar, the communion, the traditional, the habitual, the routine – what you do have.

The passionate, unbridled, rampant, exciting, extreme, unique love – what you could have

I am far and utterly outweighed on your scales of sacrifice

I will never measure up…

Momentary pleasure, a careful mistake, an informed error-that is one thing

But a permanent ‘situation’, a stable circumstance, a chained commitment?

No – let us not naively confuse one with the other.

The latter, a consequence that need not be paid as a result of the former with me.

Not to worry, I am well aware of my place.

And there I shall remain. Where the past dictated me to be, and where you have condemned me.

Lying cheating piece of doodoo

You cheated on me…of course…  I knew there was something not right…but when you told me you had sex with her when I was on my period, that kind of made it real. And the worst bit was not that you cheated, the worse bit was I wasn’t even the one getting  cheated on, I was the one you cheated with. I was the other woman. How could you do that? How could you let me do some things when you had slept with her not more than a week before? We talked it out…and somehow you managed to convince me that things would change, that it would happen again. And I believed you – because you told me. And because, like Mandy said, it’s a habit…I’m so used to being around you. You and I both now my insomnia is crazy and the last three times that I’ve had a good night’s sleep were when you were next to me. Yes. I believed you.

Then I spoke to Faiza…and she said no. She said you don’t respect me, and you are a lying cheating little shit. And I had to break up with you. And so I did. You asked me if that’s what I really wanted. You didn’t fight, you didn’t just “are you sure this is what you want?”And now we’re over. She said don’t I want a man that loves me and wants to make me happy without having another woman in the picture. Yes…textbook  fairy tale yes. Of course I do. I want it! Ironically, I want my Hugh Grant (pre-Liz Hurley cheating scandal) Except..i still love you…I still want you. ..and I’m alone now…and no one is calling to check if I’m ok. No one is calling to tell me not to party for too long, no one is going to come all the way to my place to make sure that I’m ok after partying too hard. No one wants to surprise me with a ticket home so I can be there for my darling E’s wedding, because he wants me to be there.

No one is going to put me to sleep.  No one! Fucking no one! I’m going to lie here for the whole night, and tomorrow,and the next night…and it’s going to be like that till my body physically crashes. No one is going to hold me when news from home sends me into fits of tears and pain. Because even though you are a lying cheating shit, I wasn’t alone. You made me believe that I wasn’t  You were there – mostly. And even though Faiza is totally right, she doesn’t have to be alone…she can sleep…  She won’t miss you every second of every day. She won’t be without laughter. For two seconds I wish I hadn’t done it. For two seconds I desperately want you back…because I need you. I need you there. Please?! Just for a little bit…just for now? But no…I want a man who will love me and care for me and respect me and not lie to me. Bullshit – dreams sold to us by fairy tales and Disney.

 

I’m alone. So lost. So alone…

My masochistic journey

Current number of times of being in love: 1(dragged out painful sharp time)

Current boyfriend: 1/2

Current number of pieces heart is in: 2 (slowly healing from the 234000)

Knights in shining armour who have turned out to be the devil incarnate,or  lesser evil: 1

Current poems about said fall knight: 20,000 (mostly unwritten)

Here is one that I have managed to write down…

 

“As I linger in between nothing and nowhere

I wait patiently for your answer…

I look around; I am alone, in the dark, again.

Here comes the familiar asphyxiation…pain.

My one last flicker of burning hope,

Deftly wiped out by the confirmation of your absence

They lied to me when they said no news is good news.

Deep, deep down, my insides churn, it starts to burn.

Deeper down, I already know you’re not coming.

Even deeper still, I know, I crave this.

I’m on the sure path to being a masochist.

 

Your complete disregard of my presence swiftly slices through my artery, jolting me awake,

shaking me from my numb existence, disrupting my even pulsation and all that is constant, my stability, my sanity.

The clean cut will heal, and all that will remain is a small ugly scar on my bruised aching heart.

Another reminder; when I almost had you”