When I first left home I was ready for my new life, with new people and a new
place to live, a new apartment, new food…even a whole new language. Because of the past and just the organizational structure of my family, I knew I wasn’t going to miss them. I mean sure I would miss them, as one misses the family that they grew up with, but I was not at all worried about the Christmas holidays, and feeling any nostalgia or an ache of wanting to be under that familiar staircase decorating the tree with all the comfortable noise going on around me.
I wasn’t going to miss my mum waking me up at an ungodly hour because in our house, it doesn’t matter what day it is, you gotta get up and clean up! I wasn’t going to miss that beautiful view that we have, the beach at my feet, the old town just across the waters, so close yet so far away. I wasn’t going to miss being sent on errands every two hours because “you got WHITE bread, I wanted BROWN.” I wasn’t going to miss a surprise random call from my dad demanding people be ready by three minutes past this hour for dinner, and German time please and thank you, because he has places to be afterwards, people to see you understand. I wasn’t going to miss walking around barefoot, at home, at the store, at the club beach even haha, because champagne and tequila shots will do that to you, you know.
I wasn’t going to miss any of this because you see, my sister would be in another continent, my other sister would be with my dad in the south at the beach but she would be missing me…and my mum would be either on her flight back from wherever OR home with some random friend that she picked up to try and give a good Christmas. The poor kids from the slum nearby that she welcomed home, the food that she would have prepared for them – completely disregarding that out of all the kids there, maybe one would actually be Christian. I wasn’t going to miss my grandmother calling to wish us and lamenting that she hasn’t seen in us in “THIS long” and were we trying to kill her with our absence?!?!
Nope! Not ME…you see I was going to be here, so far away, with all my new friends, and this new foreign land, away from (almost) ll my problems back home and all the stress I had been going through daily, and I wouldn’t feel anything .And, and, and, AND, I even sort of had a boyfriend you see! Someone who loves ME,HA! I was having a good time and I was fine!
And I didn’t, until I saw the pictures. Of dad, and my two sisters, and my step brother, and my dad’s girlfriend, fishing (which happens to be daddy dearest favourite sport). And all their smiles, and the bonding. Dad is not usually…smiley..bonding-like…whatever..but here they were having a grand old time…all tanned, breezing through the waters…smiles and fish. It could have been an ad – United colours of Benetton…or Kodak…or even Adidas. Almost everyone on that beautiful speedboat is in amazing shape. I’m what people call “curvy”. “Oh you’re not fat, come on!” I’m not, but I’m bordering.*sigh*. I don’t remember the last time I felt so alone and left out and so…different. F***CK!!!
Ironically mum just called me right after I wrote the above… I have a very difficult relationship with my mother…I wouldn’t say love/hate, but it’s very complicated. I do know however, that she is all I have…and I love her with all my heart, and I want only the best for her. I feel very alone, but I know that it could be worse. I feel a little better than I did when I first started writing, she called and wished me merry Christmas and told me she loved me…I’m a firm believer in ‘don’t speak too soon’ but maybe, just maybe, it won’t be so bad this time?
I hope wherever you are, whoever you are, you are one of those people having a wonderful time with their family or friends, beachside sipping coladas, or all covered up in the snow making angels.
Bless xxx
Cocoalumbus 