A lesson I don’t seem to learn very well

The length to which my idiocy reaches never ceases to surprise me.

I have felt the wrath of playing with fire; severely burnt, skin charred,

I have got the bruises from forcing myself through the wire; heart scraped, soul scarred.

I have learned this lesson before.

Yet it seems I have learned nothing.

Experience has not been such a thorough teacher this time round.

You didn’t really love me before

You simply did not want anyone else to love me either

You do not love me now

You are merely enthralled in the alien, the exotic, the outlandish concept of us.

You will never truly love me

You enjoy the colour outside the lines – but you know your borders well – and you stick to them

The familiar, the communion, the traditional, the habitual, the routine – what you do have.

The passionate, unbridled, rampant, exciting, extreme, unique love – what you could have

I am far and utterly outweighed on your scales of sacrifice

I will never measure up…

Momentary pleasure, a careful mistake, an informed error-that is one thing

But a permanent ‘situation’, a stable circumstance, a chained commitment?

No – let us not naively confuse one with the other.

The latter, a consequence that need not be paid as a result of the former with me.

Not to worry, I am well aware of my place.

And there I shall remain. Where the past dictated me to be, and where you have condemned me.

Lying cheating piece of doodoo

You cheated on me…of course…  I knew there was something not right…but when you told me you had sex with her when I was on my period, that kind of made it real. And the worst bit was not that you cheated, the worse bit was I wasn’t even the one getting  cheated on, I was the one you cheated with. I was the other woman. How could you do that? How could you let me do some things when you had slept with her not more than a week before? We talked it out…and somehow you managed to convince me that things would change, that it would happen again. And I believed you – because you told me. And because, like Mandy said, it’s a habit…I’m so used to being around you. You and I both now my insomnia is crazy and the last three times that I’ve had a good night’s sleep were when you were next to me. Yes. I believed you.

Then I spoke to Faiza…and she said no. She said you don’t respect me, and you are a lying cheating little shit. And I had to break up with you. And so I did. You asked me if that’s what I really wanted. You didn’t fight, you didn’t just “are you sure this is what you want?”And now we’re over. She said don’t I want a man that loves me and wants to make me happy without having another woman in the picture. Yes…textbook  fairy tale yes. Of course I do. I want it! Ironically, I want my Hugh Grant (pre-Liz Hurley cheating scandal) Except..i still love you…I still want you. ..and I’m alone now…and no one is calling to check if I’m ok. No one is calling to tell me not to party for too long, no one is going to come all the way to my place to make sure that I’m ok after partying too hard. No one wants to surprise me with a ticket home so I can be there for my darling E’s wedding, because he wants me to be there.

No one is going to put me to sleep.  No one! Fucking no one! I’m going to lie here for the whole night, and tomorrow,and the next night…and it’s going to be like that till my body physically crashes. No one is going to hold me when news from home sends me into fits of tears and pain. Because even though you are a lying cheating shit, I wasn’t alone. You made me believe that I wasn’t  You were there – mostly. And even though Faiza is totally right, she doesn’t have to be alone…she can sleep…  She won’t miss you every second of every day. She won’t be without laughter. For two seconds I wish I hadn’t done it. For two seconds I desperately want you back…because I need you. I need you there. Please?! Just for a little bit…just for now? But no…I want a man who will love me and care for me and respect me and not lie to me. Bullshit – dreams sold to us by fairy tales and Disney.

 

I’m alone. So lost. So alone…

One of my favourite ads – of all time

 

I’m not sure if I was even born during this time, but watching this leaves me with two thoughts – 1)I was born in the wrong generation,evidently, and 2)Michael Jackson,you are still undoubtedly the greatest  entertainer of all time!! I was smiling the whole way through, especially when the two did the little dance and lightly tugged at “THE” glove. I’m not one of those people who traveled miles and miles to watch MJ perform,but I am one of those who would probably pass out after a five second hug from him,yes on of the ones who would have to be surgically removed from him post-five second hug…

 

Did I mention that I am a HUUUUUUGGEEEE Michael fan?

Young,wild and free

 

(*insert statement in liking to -“I, in no way endorse the content of the lyrics or video displayed. “)

 

Whenever I hear this song when I am partying I get this feeling,this rush of …..youth! I don’t know how to describe it…this feeling of “let me BE MY AGE”…the lyrics that get me most – so what we get drunk,so what we get no sleep(censored version),we’re just having fun.we don’t care who sees,so what we g0 out,that’s how it supposed to be,living young and wild and free…

 

I want to live YOUNG,and WILD  and FREEEEEE!!! I don’t want to care who sees!!!  I want to!! Why? What do you mean why..? Because I want to,I should be!! Why? Umm…because…well..they said…that’s how it’s supposed to be…right?

My masochistic journey

Current number of times of being in love: 1(dragged out painful sharp time)

Current boyfriend: 1/2

Current number of pieces heart is in: 2 (slowly healing from the 234000)

Knights in shining armour who have turned out to be the devil incarnate,or  lesser evil: 1

Current poems about said fall knight: 20,000 (mostly unwritten)

Here is one that I have managed to write down…

 

“As I linger in between nothing and nowhere

I wait patiently for your answer…

I look around; I am alone, in the dark, again.

Here comes the familiar asphyxiation…pain.

My one last flicker of burning hope,

Deftly wiped out by the confirmation of your absence

They lied to me when they said no news is good news.

Deep, deep down, my insides churn, it starts to burn.

Deeper down, I already know you’re not coming.

Even deeper still, I know, I crave this.

I’m on the sure path to being a masochist.

 

Your complete disregard of my presence swiftly slices through my artery, jolting me awake,

shaking me from my numb existence, disrupting my even pulsation and all that is constant, my stability, my sanity.

The clean cut will heal, and all that will remain is a small ugly scar on my bruised aching heart.

Another reminder; when I almost had you”

Does this remind you of anyone?

Like a starved child, i’ll lick your sentence off the floor, those three words,i’m craving for…

Christmas blues – and reds,and greens…

When I first left home I was ready for my new life, with new people and a new place to live, a new apartment, new food…even a whole new language. Because of the past and just the organizational structure of my family, I knew I wasn’t going to miss them. I mean sure I would miss them, as one misses the family that they grew up with, but I was not at all worried about the Christmas holidays, and feeling any nostalgia or an ache of wanting to be under that familiar staircase decorating the tree with all the comfortable noise going on around me.

I wasn’t going to miss my mum waking me up at an ungodly hour because in our house, it doesn’t matter what day it is, you gotta get up and clean up! I wasn’t going to miss that beautiful view that we have, the beach at my feet, the old town just across the waters, so close yet so far away. I wasn’t going to miss being sent on errands every two hours because “you got WHITE bread, I wanted BROWN.” I wasn’t going to miss a surprise random call from my dad demanding people be ready by three minutes past this hour for dinner, and German time please and thank you, because he has places to be afterwards, people to see you understand. I wasn’t going to miss walking around barefoot, at home, at the store, at the club beach even haha, because champagne and tequila shots will do that to you, you know.

I wasn’t going to miss any of this because you see, my sister would be in another continent, my other sister would be with my dad in the south at the beach but she would be missing me…and my mum would be either on her flight back from wherever OR home with some random friend that she picked up to try and give a good Christmas. The poor kids from the slum nearby that she welcomed home, the food that she would have prepared for them – completely disregarding that out of all the kids there, maybe one would actually be Christian. I wasn’t going to miss my grandmother calling to wish us and lamenting that she hasn’t seen in us in “THIS long” and were we trying to kill her with our absence?!?!

Nope! Not ME…you see I was going to be here, so far away, with all my new friends, and this new foreign land, away from (almost) ll my problems back home and all the stress I had been going through daily, and I wouldn’t feel anything .And, and, and, AND, I even sort of had a boyfriend you see! Someone who loves ME,HA! I was having a good time and I was fine!

And I didn’t, until I saw the pictures. Of dad, and my two sisters, and my step brother, and my dad’s girlfriend, fishing (which happens to be daddy dearest favourite sport). And all their smiles, and the bonding. Dad is not usually…smiley..bonding-like…whatever..but here they were having a grand old time…all tanned, breezing through the waters…smiles and fish. It could have been an ad – United colours of Benetton…or Kodak…or even Adidas. Almost everyone on that beautiful speedboat is in amazing shape. I’m what people call “curvy”. “Oh you’re not fat, come on!” I’m not, but I’m bordering.*sigh*.  I don’t remember the last time I felt so alone and left out and so…different. F***CK!!!

Ironically mum just called me right after I wrote the above… I have a very difficult relationship with my mother…I wouldn’t say love/hate, but it’s very complicated. I do know however, that she is all I have…and I love her with all my heart, and I want only the best for her. I feel very alone, but I know that it could be worse. I feel a little better than I did when I first started writing, she called and wished me merry Christmas and told me she loved me…I’m a firm believer in ‘don’t speak too soon’ but maybe, just maybe, it won’t be so bad this time?

I hope wherever you are, whoever you are, you are one of those people having a wonderful time with their family or friends, beachside sipping coladas, or all covered up in the snow making angels.

Bless xxx